Honey, It's Not That I Mean to Yell at You — It's That This Is the Only Way We Have Left to Communicate!

Recently I saw an online article mentioning that we always give the most ruthless words to those closest and dearest to us, often venting our inner displeasure and anger on them.

This reminded me of something: I do often feel impatient with those close to me, so my volume and emotions are sometimes harder to control.

But after carefully thinking about the reasons, I found that this uncontrollable way of communicating is actually a kind of inevitability.

This inevitability divides into two aspects. The first is that you suppressed yourself, which inevitably produces an outburst; the second is that no matter how many times you say it, those closest and dearest to you always seem unable to take it in, and keep doing those behaviors they think show they care about you but which actually make you feel burdened.

Why Are We Always Least Patient with Those We Love Most?

This question actually troubles many people. Out in the world, facing colleagues, friends, even strangers, we can always maintain basic courtesy and patience; but once we get home, facing our closest family or partner, a single sentence often ignites our anger.

The reason isn’t complicated. Because in front of those closest to us, we drop all our defenses and also presuppose that “the other person should understand me.” When this presupposition fails, disappointment and anger are vented in the most direct way. In other words, the reason we’re least patient with those we love most is precisely because we hold the highest expectations of them.

Two “Inevitable” Outburst Modes

The First: The Inevitable Outburst After Suppression

When you swallow your dissatisfaction again and again, thinking that enduring it will make it pass, these emotions actually don’t disappear — they’re only temporarily suppressed. Emotions are like a pressure cooker; when they accumulate to the critical point, they will eventually burst out in a more violent way. This is also why the trigger for many quarrels is often just a trivial matter — because what truly explodes is the long-accumulated grievance.

The Second: Repeated Communication That Never Works

The other situation is even more powerless: you’ve already said it countless times, but the other person remains the same, continuing to do those behaviors that “they think show they care about you but which actually make you feel burdened.” This repeated ineffective communication gradually makes people lose patience, and the volume and emotions become harder and harder to control.

Expert Advice: Temporarily Detach and Switch to Written Communication

This is why relationship and family experts abroad suggest that when you feel your anger and mouth are about to become uncontrollable, it’s best to temporarily detach yourself from the moment and communicate well with those closest and dearest to you through writing.

Written communication has several advantages that verbal communication can’t match:

• Forces you to settle: Writing is slower than speaking, and the process itself is a kind of calming.
• Can be revised: Words once spoken can’t be taken back, but writing can be repeatedly weighed, deleting hurtful words.
• Leaves a record: What’s written down lets the other person read it repeatedly, and also gives you a chance to examine the ins and outs of your emotions.

Communicating in Writing Also Takes a Bit of Courage

Of course, this way of communicating in writing sometimes makes some family cultures feel awkward. Either you accept that feeling and earnestly pick up a pen to write a letter, or you can only remember this shy emotion, recall it the next time you’re about to explode, and try to calm yourself down and face it properly.

In the end, being willing to change your way of communicating for the one you love most is itself a kind of tenderness. Next time you feel your anger about to lose control, why not leave the scene first, pick up a pen and paper, and write down what you want to say. Perhaps you’ll find that those most hurtful words can actually be said well in another way.

Reader FAQ Q&A

1. I feel very guilty after losing my temper at family. What should I do? (Readers Xiaoqing, Awei)

Reader mood reports:

• Xiaoqing: Every time after yelling at my mom I regret it so much, but in the moment I just can’t control it.
• Awei: Only after losing my temper do I realize I said very hurtful things. How do I make amends?

Mizuc’s gentle reminder: Feeling guilty means you care about this relationship, which is actually a good thing. The first step to making amends is to “apologize honestly” — no need to find excuses, just directly say “I had a bad tone just now, I’m sorry.” The second step is to “explain your feelings,” letting the other person understand the reason behind your anger, rather than leaving only emotion. The third step is to “agree on a method,” for example agreeing that next time you feel about to explode, each of you calms down for ten minutes first before talking. Repairing a relationship is never done in one go — it’s accumulated through the sincerity of being willing to turn back again and again.

2. Does writing a letter to communicate really work? Will the other person find it weird? (Readers Xiaoyu, Stay-at-home dad)

Reader question reports:

• Xiaoyu: Our family never writes letters. Would suddenly writing one be very awkward?
• Stay-at-home dad: Would written communication make the other person feel I’m avoiding face-to-face talking?

Mizuc’s warning reminder: Feeling awkward at first is normal, because written communication is indeed unfamiliar to many families. But the point isn’t the form, but “whether you’ve clearly said what you want to say.” If you worry the other person will misunderstand that you’re avoiding them, you can explain at the very start of the letter: “It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, but that I’m afraid I’ll lose control of my emotions the moment I open my mouth, so I want to use writing to properly tell you what’s in my heart.” Explain your motive clearly, and the other person can usually understand — they may even feel your thoughtfulness.